I am here inside my unlit room with only the light from the laptop's currently flashing on my face. I am watching Chuck, season 2 episode something. And to tell you, I sort of hate my bum-life right now.
So it has been almost 2 weeks since I last had my job interview and after that, I was back to being an idler. Those companies which I was expecting myself to be hired just raised my hopes too high, made me feel that after coming back for another set of interviews with them, I will be hired then. But NO. I was not. While waiting for them to call me back for the last time (if I am actually hired), I did the math on what will this if-ever job will cost me.. The transportation expenses, food, extra expenses and a lot more since the if-ever workplace I was expecting to be working at is way too far from home. And again, NO, I wasn't hired. They did not really called me back after.
I tried my best not to expect too much but here I am, sad and feeling a little bit hopeless and incompetent. I guess that's the sense of expecting too much...You might not know how it's gonna end but at one point, you know you can do something to have an outcome of things you want to have and things you want to be.
---
Was I not allowed to say no? Why ask between yes or no if you can't handle the answer anyway? Oh dear... That is being unfair. You know that... or at any point, do you? Now that makes me sad.
No... A word that could cover up a query but at some point is lacking.
The decision has been made by yours truly. It is a no. I had to say no.
A blessing (but let me call it The Chance) sprung up in front of me but I had to turn my back for some selfish reasons: one, I have to do my own growing; second: It hurts me; third: It will hurt, if not now, I know eventually it will; and lastly: I should not feel all these stuff relating to being hurt. I know I'm being egoistic here, having all the pride and sort... and now, while I'm wrapping things up... broke down these selfish reasons and I came up with one. I am scared. Scared of being attached still, scared of what people will say, scared of feeling inferior, tactless opinions, scared that I might bogged down and might not be able to pull myself back, to fall. I am scared.
The Chance had gone with the wind. I made the right decision, maybe. I made the wrong decision, that is a maybe as well... However, I believe that the universe rearranges and plots all... all the things that are supposed and bound to happen, no matter how long will it take, eventually will take place.
I have no idea if you understand what I'm trying to say here, but I hope you do.
So yeah. Done with this one heck of a subliminal post... *sigh*
Have you looked up at the night sky and wished for a star to fall and settle your wish? Let us say, magically it landed in your hands... you know you're not supposed to be holding that star for it should gleam and give out its shine to the humbled dark sky, would you still keep it?
Was there a moment in your life where you felt that everything's falling into place then all of a sudden, something made you realize, it's not?
Everything has been vague and everything has been quite hard for me. It took me just now to realize that what I want and what I am expecting to come about, to take place, to happen is too much to ask.
I've been longing for this. I think I almost had it but perhaps the idea was just within the boundaries of my perception. A perception which is totally wrong. I took things seriously, but in any angle, if you know me personally, I managed not to show. For some reasons, I was afraid.
Just this very moment, after reading an item, I realized this should stop. Maybe that star was not for me to keep... I should let it come back to its place where its supposed to be, and I'll get by. I cannot keep what is not mine, I cannot hold on to something that is not supposed to stay. The falling is pure and seemed to be perfect in my hands but the situation and context is not. Someday, maybe, the sky will conspire and everything might fall into the place where I was expecting it to be.
To the one reading this, pardon my sentiments. I'm drunk I tell you... So I'll be sleeping now. ZzZzzzzzzZZzz
If you're going to ask me if there's one thing I should have done or I should have planned before.. maybe it's grabbing the opportunity to take DAD(Digital Arts and Design) beforehand taking IT.
Four years ago, back when I was still baffled of which path to take, I was caught between these two. Knowing DAD will just take 2 years to finish and my second choice, IT which requires at least 4 years, for some reasons, I choose IT.
I am not complaining or grumbling or what. I somewhat feel incompetent. It's just that I think I would be more capable and strong when it comes to entering the industry if I got this two in the interval. So yeah. It's just a thought. It's not too late. It's just I don't have money YET to enroll or something for DAD now.
Why I came up with this idea? Hahaha. I was looking for a job on JobsDB and then at some point, while reading the companies' requirements and qualifications, I realized I really have a thing for web designing/programming.
Have you reached a point in your life where the world of the people you know started spinning around so fast, and then you realized, you were left behind?
Seeing these people close to me switching to a new chapter of life saddens me. It's almost a month since I was considered as unemployed and within that span of time, I've been bombarded with changes. I thought I was able to handle these but as days passed, the clinch got tight giving me that troubled, bugged feeling. My stomach begins to flutter as if butterflies were in it.
Close to the changes, I've been receiving news. Last week, a college friend that I've known for 4 years now, left and moved to Singapore. He'll be working there and after some time when everything's settled, he'll stay there for good. The original plan was me as well, will be staying there too since I have my uncle living there who also promised to help me find a job. But life has these holes where I was stuck... Money. Got no resources yet for my parents had been focusing to make a living to provide good education for my brothers and sister.
Recently, while doing my daily routine of checking my email and logging in to Twitter and Facebook, received another news and that update in my newsfeed shocked me. A friend will be getting married soon. The past months were crucial and full of questions for us (HS friends). We've been apart for years and the hoax of her being pregnant and getting married soon has been going around... And finally, she broke the ice. She admitted everything's true and the marriage will be happening this July 2012!
Another news. Just this morning, I saw a post by a friend on Facebook saying he's considering to enter a seminary and become a priest soon. It's funny that a joke once cracked during our high school days will be brought to reality now. We're in the same circle of friends and to mention, this guy had a crush on me before. One thing's for sure... I'll surely be happy for whatever he chooses to be... and by the way! he just finished BS HRM this April 2012. hehehe.
Life really has its way of turning and twisting events magically, testing one's strength and examining the willingness to carry on and as I finish this blog entry, I still have this feeling of being left out. Their worlds are spinning way too fast that I can't catch on. Maybe my bestfriend is right... I should be patient and I should take this phase to sort things out. My mind is foggy at the moment that I can't distinguish which is which. I should take things slowly or if not, I might enter a door which I'll regret sooner or later. Bit by bit and eventually, I'll be fine...
So I pray to You, Papa God... KAYO NA PO ANG BAHALA. :)
No. The title's not about me. This is about my friends and batchmates who just graduated yesterday and I'm happy for them.
It's been a while since I saw some of my classmates and friends. They reached the finish line right after the final exams March of this year. All those agonizing defense, sleepless night and stuff, at some point, has to end... and they got things done ahead of me. I was left behind by 6 units. Thank God after 2 months of detachment to summer fun and complete devotion to summer classes, I'm now done with it. Eventually I was declared as a Summer Graduate.
So as I said earlier, they just graduated. I witnessed them walked up the stage, handshaked these people, take pictures and grabbed their diplomas. I was not supposed to be there. I'm happy for them but this idea of being there is just not my idea. This graduation thing hurts when I was supposed to march with them... Why did I attend this ceremony you ask? I was completely cornered by one person. We were exchanging SMS and he asked me if I would attend and without hesitation, I answered I cannot..
"We will be there to share their joys. No bitterness, please. Mahirap pero hindi imposible..."
That was his message and it took me some time to realize and absorb his point. I didn't manage to answer his message right away so I answered back the morning of the next day. I found his argument valid and substantial which made me say "Yes, I'll be attending."..
May 29 of 2012 at the Philippine International Convention Center, Plenary Hall... The date and place where it all happened. I was with some of my CLC family and he-who-convinced-me-to-attend-the-graduation. It was fun and I was very happy watching my friends happy. I set the bitterness aside and I was able to face my friends with smile and hug them. I am trully happy for they hit the road with flying colors. In the end I realized that I should stop being a total sour grape. Hey! In 5-month time period, I would be graduating too. :)
So here are some of the pictures...
And here's one of my favorites.. I will always be one of the boys! :)
With my CLC Family...
So there! :)
So last night, I was not able to get a good night sleep. Went to bed by 12 midnight just after I watched this comedy show on TV every weekends. I tried to sleep then.. and when I say "I tried", I really tried my hardest but in the end, I was just able to hit the sack by almost 4 in the morning. Reason? Coffee plus a stick of cigarette I took inside my system the afternoon of the same day.
These two go ohhh so well together though I know it's just my perception. Smoking is bad and coffee is good so ditch the cigarette they say. I'm not really a chain smoker but I smoke once in while, meaning if I'm just given the chance to do so, or if I'm with some friends and I'm not doing it to look cool... I just wanted to.
Coffee is much less of a problem than this nasty puffing. But I don't know... I love it when I smoke and drink coffee at the same time. It's just the blend, the taste and the sensation you get that makes it perfect.
It's given and not so confusing that smoking will shorten one's life and we all know, smoking might eventually end it. I know. I have not quit yet, but I'm in the process of giving up this filthy thing. If I may say, I'm not that addicted perhaps it'll be as easy as ABC. My obsession with caffeine will remain though. Gradually then eventually, you'll see.
I'm happy and I just can't hide it! - prolly the first thing that popped out your mind is the song.. or maybe not. But this is for sure... I'm happy at the moment. Really.
That feeling when you expected worst, but then some sort of person, day, event, anything or maybe yourself just proved it's the other way around. To be honest, I thought I'm gonna lose this chance of getting a grade other than 5.00... I dont know. Maybe I lost my confidence in things I think I cannot do but actually it's the opposite. I even prepared myself of taking these 2 courses again for the next term and my plan of finding a job will be out of track then. But see, I was wrong. I was wrong about myself.
Two things that are unhealthy being inflicted to oneself: Doubt and Fear. It may be bearable for some time but believe me, It will kill your mood and spirit. It will ruin you as well as the situation. It will shift the state of your mind or even make you unfocused... With too much hesitation and doubt, things will be worse than they actually are. And I guess my system is infected with these! But yeah, I'm shaking it all off slowly. hehe.
Tomorrow, I'll be fixing my resume. I just have to put it up to date and edit some parts so at least I'm ready to look for a job. Singapore, I'll be with you soon.. Hopefully. :)
I'm done with college! Real world, here I come! Thanks again, Papa G for letting me... Thanks to some of these guys who supported and cheered me all the way! Good night. :)
Today's the first day of our final examinations this summer, but in my case, this is my last day as well.
I am on my last two courses to complete my bachelor of science degree. Basic accounting & discrete math.. I am halfway done with college. Funny it is at the same time despising every time I realize that I left these two courses which are not actually related to my chosen field. Not to brag, but the outputs in my majors and programming related courses were quite good and I just don't know who on earth cursed me to leave these two behind. These remaining courses were also the ONLY reason why my name was scratch out from the list of graduating students this May 2012. **For God's sake!!! Enough with this sour graping, Clariza. You have moved on, right? :)**
So yeah. I had this exam scheduled at 8am to 10am, then vacant until 2:45pm then exam again at 2:45pm to 4:45pm.. Discrete math was my last and it's just awesome that we finished answering at 4!
During my vacant, I was with one of my good yet insane friends, Anna. I missed her! She did not enroll for summer so we haven't seen each other for months I guess. Every time we're together, we keep on discussing and talking about almost everything we can talk about and we always end up laughing... or if not, mesmerizing or still thinking or still talking over about the subject. We never get tired of hearing each other's stories.
She waited for me to finish my last exam so we could hang some more. Koline, also one of my good yet insane friends, was there so she came along with us.. While the three of us catched up, we waited for Bea, also one of my good yet insane friends, who's currently working in one of the offices in College.. but unfortunately she's too busy so she was not able to join us.. Then we left school, and went somewhere else where there's FOOOOD.
After the three of us had this individual serving of fried liempo with 2 cups of fried rice and 2 fried eggs not that far away from school, we actually planned of going home but we did not. Anna and I went to SM to buy some sort of stuff then that was the only time we went home.
**This is us.. Holding back our hunger while waiting for Bea. haha.**
Thanks Papa G for giving me the knowledge to answer my exams, though I am not sure if I will pass. haha. I hope I am done now with these two... For all these, I owe You.
Good night. :)
Happy day it is!
I was with some good old friends just this afternoon. Just so you know, everything was unplanned. It was me and my bestfriend, Annie, who just talked and it just happened that Kevin and Jawara have time as well so we monkeyed around at Starbucks. It was fun talking about absurd things but sensible in some ways. Hanging in seconds seem to have been minutes then minutes turned to hours. An old friend too, Mei, was spotted while I was waiting in Starbucks a few hours ago and guess what?.. She's with her boyfriend. bwahaha. I texted her so she could join us but currently they were inside the movie house. We decided to wait for them so we could at least give a going-over to whom Mei fell head over heels. HAHA! They arrived after some time then they both left just after a few minutes of chit-chat. They needed more time for themselves I guess.. Love is love indeed. :)
It was almost 6pm after we realized that we've been inside the coffee shop from 2pm already so we decided to go. Since everybody did not feel like going home yet, and knowing that not too far from where we are is Mei's house, we decided to visit Mei. Everything's just a call away. She said yes, then we immediately went to the grocery store to buy some chips and pooooof! off we go.
We arrived. Having chips and drinks to enjoy with, we had long talks on how things are going about our lives, our love life (the most talked-about every time we meet.. well, almost.), our life in college, our days in high school, their life as unemployed (actually Mei and Annie just graduated this April 2012) and a lot more things.. It was fun catching up with them. We still keep this friendship for years now and counting and even though we were separated by time and priorities, here we are...
We went home by 10pm.
Indeed, happy day it is! Good night. :)
I was browsing my old blog entries just then I realized years have gone by since I made my last. So here I am for a comeback.
Fudge, I've been through the extremes. I got the best and the worst life can offer.
Years have passed, lots of things have changed, learned more about the basic rules even the complexity of life, been through a lot of hellos and goodbyes, met new friends at the same time, bid goodbye at some, been deprived of sleep, skipped meals just to finish some work. code until the daybreak. (to tell you, I'm an IT student.)
..and here I am, almost graduating from college.
Thank You Lord for allowing me to wake up every morning and letting me be. After all these, I must say, I owe You. Yes, I may be graduating soon but I am very much willing to not graduate from this life yet. I've got plans and I hope these plans will be patterned with Yours.
:)
Leave a Comment