4 years had passed since my last blog. I am here again, trying to revive you.
I dont know how will i start this entry. But the mere thought that 4 years had already swung by without me doing any entry is just so overwhelming. Now i am trying to recall what has happened in my life in those years. Gahd. I really do not know. Andami dami dami dami nang nangyari sa buhay ko since then!!!
At this very moment of my life, i am still working things up. Patching my career to my passion and still trying to figure out how things work in this life.. so deep, but yes. I am in a middle of something. Seems everything is at its extreme points and here i am, you bet, caught in tbe middle.
Ughhhh.
For now, I'll end this entry here. This is just an introduction of how i am so blown away by time, by the things that is currently happening in my life right now, and by just imagining how i have grown up to be the person i am now, the person who stuggle to catch those flying words in typing this... the person who is very far from the person who she was 4 years ago.... damn.
It's been a while again since i wrote something about what's going on with my life.. The last entry here seems I am sort of blabbing about graduating untimely, how the world seems to spin fast leaving me behind and all the shitty drama.. but here I am! Still getting up everyday trying to live my life and working my ass off! Yeah, I'm working now. Web designer somewhere in the middle of an urban place. So yeah, till here. I should get back to work. Continue this entry some other time. :)
I am here inside my unlit room with only the light from the laptop's currently flashing on my face. I am watching Chuck, season 2 episode something. And to tell you, I sort of hate my bum-life right now.
So it has been almost 2 weeks since I last had my job interview and after that, I was back to being an idler. Those companies which I was expecting myself to be hired just raised my hopes too high, made me feel that after coming back for another set of interviews with them, I will be hired then. But NO. I was not. While waiting for them to call me back for the last time (if I am actually hired), I did the math on what will this if-ever job will cost me.. The transportation expenses, food, extra expenses and a lot more since the if-ever workplace I was expecting to be working at is way too far from home. And again, NO, I wasn't hired. They did not really called me back after.
I tried my best not to expect too much but here I am, sad and feeling a little bit hopeless and incompetent. I guess that's the sense of expecting too much...You might not know how it's gonna end but at one point, you know you can do something to have an outcome of things you want to have and things you want to be.
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Was I not allowed to say no? Why ask between yes or no if you can't handle the answer anyway? Oh dear... That is being unfair. You know that... or at any point, do you? Now that makes me sad.
No... A word that could cover up a query but at some point is lacking.
The decision has been made by yours truly. It is a no. I had to say no.
A blessing (but let me call it The Chance) sprung up in front of me but I had to turn my back for some selfish reasons: one, I have to do my own growing; second: It hurts me; third: It will hurt, if not now, I know eventually it will; and lastly: I should not feel all these stuff relating to being hurt. I know I'm being egoistic here, having all the pride and sort... and now, while I'm wrapping things up... broke down these selfish reasons and I came up with one. I am scared. Scared of being attached still, scared of what people will say, scared of feeling inferior, tactless opinions, scared that I might bogged down and might not be able to pull myself back, to fall. I am scared.
The Chance had gone with the wind. I made the right decision, maybe. I made the wrong decision, that is a maybe as well... However, I believe that the universe rearranges and plots all... all the things that are supposed and bound to happen, no matter how long will it take, eventually will take place.
I have no idea if you understand what I'm trying to say here, but I hope you do.
So yeah. Done with this one heck of a subliminal post... *sigh*
Have you looked up at the night sky and wished for a star to fall and settle your wish? Let us say, magically it landed in your hands... you know you're not supposed to be holding that star for it should gleam and give out its shine to the humbled dark sky, would you still keep it?
Was there a moment in your life where you felt that everything's falling into place then all of a sudden, something made you realize, it's not?
Everything has been vague and everything has been quite hard for me. It took me just now to realize that what I want and what I am expecting to come about, to take place, to happen is too much to ask.
I've been longing for this. I think I almost had it but perhaps the idea was just within the boundaries of my perception. A perception which is totally wrong. I took things seriously, but in any angle, if you know me personally, I managed not to show. For some reasons, I was afraid.
Just this very moment, after reading an item, I realized this should stop. Maybe that star was not for me to keep... I should let it come back to its place where its supposed to be, and I'll get by. I cannot keep what is not mine, I cannot hold on to something that is not supposed to stay. The falling is pure and seemed to be perfect in my hands but the situation and context is not. Someday, maybe, the sky will conspire and everything might fall into the place where I was expecting it to be.
To the one reading this, pardon my sentiments. I'm drunk I tell you... So I'll be sleeping now. ZzZzzzzzzZZzz
If you're going to ask me if there's one thing I should have done or I should have planned before.. maybe it's grabbing the opportunity to take DAD(Digital Arts and Design) beforehand taking IT.
Four years ago, back when I was still baffled of which path to take, I was caught between these two. Knowing DAD will just take 2 years to finish and my second choice, IT which requires at least 4 years, for some reasons, I choose IT.
I am not complaining or grumbling or what. I somewhat feel incompetent. It's just that I think I would be more capable and strong when it comes to entering the industry if I got this two in the interval. So yeah. It's just a thought. It's not too late. It's just I don't have money YET to enroll or something for DAD now.
Why I came up with this idea? Hahaha. I was looking for a job on JobsDB and then at some point, while reading the companies' requirements and qualifications, I realized I really have a thing for web designing/programming.
Have you reached a point in your life where the world of the people you know started spinning around so fast, and then you realized, you were left behind?
Seeing these people close to me switching to a new chapter of life saddens me. It's almost a month since I was considered as unemployed and within that span of time, I've been bombarded with changes. I thought I was able to handle these but as days passed, the clinch got tight giving me that troubled, bugged feeling. My stomach begins to flutter as if butterflies were in it.
Close to the changes, I've been receiving news. Last week, a college friend that I've known for 4 years now, left and moved to Singapore. He'll be working there and after some time when everything's settled, he'll stay there for good. The original plan was me as well, will be staying there too since I have my uncle living there who also promised to help me find a job. But life has these holes where I was stuck... Money. Got no resources yet for my parents had been focusing to make a living to provide good education for my brothers and sister.
Recently, while doing my daily routine of checking my email and logging in to Twitter and Facebook, received another news and that update in my newsfeed shocked me. A friend will be getting married soon. The past months were crucial and full of questions for us (HS friends). We've been apart for years and the hoax of her being pregnant and getting married soon has been going around... And finally, she broke the ice. She admitted everything's true and the marriage will be happening this July 2012!
Another news. Just this morning, I saw a post by a friend on Facebook saying he's considering to enter a seminary and become a priest soon. It's funny that a joke once cracked during our high school days will be brought to reality now. We're in the same circle of friends and to mention, this guy had a crush on me before. One thing's for sure... I'll surely be happy for whatever he chooses to be... and by the way! he just finished BS HRM this April 2012. hehehe.
Life really has its way of turning and twisting events magically, testing one's strength and examining the willingness to carry on and as I finish this blog entry, I still have this feeling of being left out. Their worlds are spinning way too fast that I can't catch on. Maybe my bestfriend is right... I should be patient and I should take this phase to sort things out. My mind is foggy at the moment that I can't distinguish which is which. I should take things slowly or if not, I might enter a door which I'll regret sooner or later. Bit by bit and eventually, I'll be fine...
So I pray to You, Papa God... KAYO NA PO ANG BAHALA. :)
No. The title's not about me. This is about my friends and batchmates who just graduated yesterday and I'm happy for them.
It's been a while since I saw some of my classmates and friends. They reached the finish line right after the final exams March of this year. All those agonizing defense, sleepless night and stuff, at some point, has to end... and they got things done ahead of me. I was left behind by 6 units. Thank God after 2 months of detachment to summer fun and complete devotion to summer classes, I'm now done with it. Eventually I was declared as a Summer Graduate.
So as I said earlier, they just graduated. I witnessed them walked up the stage, handshaked these people, take pictures and grabbed their diplomas. I was not supposed to be there. I'm happy for them but this idea of being there is just not my idea. This graduation thing hurts when I was supposed to march with them... Why did I attend this ceremony you ask? I was completely cornered by one person. We were exchanging SMS and he asked me if I would attend and without hesitation, I answered I cannot..
"We will be there to share their joys. No bitterness, please. Mahirap pero hindi imposible..."
That was his message and it took me some time to realize and absorb his point. I didn't manage to answer his message right away so I answered back the morning of the next day. I found his argument valid and substantial which made me say "Yes, I'll be attending."..
May 29 of 2012 at the Philippine International Convention Center, Plenary Hall... The date and place where it all happened. I was with some of my CLC family and he-who-convinced-me-to-attend-the-graduation. It was fun and I was very happy watching my friends happy. I set the bitterness aside and I was able to face my friends with smile and hug them. I am trully happy for they hit the road with flying colors. In the end I realized that I should stop being a total sour grape. Hey! In 5-month time period, I would be graduating too. :)
So here are some of the pictures...
And here's one of my favorites.. I will always be one of the boys! :)
With my CLC Family...
So there! :)
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